A weekly feature where I present something culinary that *might* just have you saying, “WTF?" Yep, it's even scarier than spider hair.
I'm no good at Halloween. I suck at it actually. How I long for the days when you could go into your local Woolworth's and buy a Day-Glo fairy princess costume with a flimsy plastic dress to wear underneath the overcoat your Mom always made you put on. I miss the too-tight plastic fairy face that pinched with its flimsy rubber band that dug into the back of your head. You'd wander the streets with your orange plastic Jack-O-Lantern purse and breathe hot moist air into your mask until it got all disgusting and you pulled it off in frustration before you suffocated. Good times.
I'm just no good at thinking up costumes. It doesn't help I'm incredibly lazy as well. I don't want any costume involving heavy makeup that could run or smear so by the end of the night I look like an accident victim. Unless of course that's what I'm dressed as. No huge unwieldy apparatus I might have to lug around or have trouble getting through doorways. I want to be comfortable yet I want to steal the show too. Yep, I'm an original Halloween diva. A real party pooper.
My Halloween ideas always backfire. One year I went as one of the Clockwork Orange gang (I blame my college literary angst) and everyone thought I was Liza Minnelli in Cabaret. Another year along with my friend Chris I dressed as the wife of William S. Burroughs. You know, the wife who died because he shot an apple off her head? Hey, it seemed creative at the time. I blame that ol' college literary angst. Everyone thought we were Bonnie and Clyde. Sigh. The ONE year I got it right I wore a suede fringe jacket, suede boots, and a coonskin cap I borrowed from my friend Dorsett. DANIELLE BOONE! I thought it was hysterical. Everyone just looked at me. Yeah, I suck at Halloween.
Last week I was making fun of Simon Doonan's Halloween Couture Line designed exclusively for Target (spoken with tongue placed firmly in cheek and pictured above). But maybe he's onto something? Hell, it's the only thing even remotely related to Barney's I could EVER afford. There are quite a few food-related costumes out there. A can of Spam? Nah, you don't want to look like you're auditioning for Let's Make A Deal. What about dressing up as:
Tony the Tiger
Boo Berry (don't stop me I'm on a roll!)
Aunt Jemima or Mrs. Butterworth*
The Gorton's Fisherman (I trust him)
That creepy Burger King guy
Hamburger Helper Hand
M&M's Girl (with a green dress and awesome go-go boots!)
Land 'O Lakes Girl
St. Pauli Girl
Okay, so some of them would be Let's Make a Deal worthy. But who's with me? I know the great Masquerade Benefit at the Jefferson to help LVCA is having you dress as your favorite literary character (and we all know how I do with those), but what about a Foodie Halloween? Surely, there are ideas I've missed....if you were going as something related to food this Halloween, what would you dress as?
As I said earlier, I'm a Halloween diva, meaning no heavy makeup or apparatus allowed. So I definitely won't be dressing as the Hamburger Helper Hand or this guy.....kinda my favorite. Yes, ladies and gentlemen he's a "totally baked" potato.
No, I'm on a low-carb diet, so I'm going as Sandra Lee. Figure all I'll need is a fabulous Farrah wig, an apron, a martini glass, a glue gun and a big pin that says "VOTE CUOMO!"
*Afraid to admit this, but long ago I actually went to a party where 3 guys arrived dressed as Aunt Jemima. They looked peeved at each other with expressions that said, "I thought of it first!" The rest of us just looked uncomfortable and awkward. It was like a casting call for Gone With the Wind or something...